Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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