my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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