I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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