WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
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Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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