I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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