What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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