I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
