rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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