Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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