Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
