Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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