dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
