I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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