Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
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My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
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