it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
