He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
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