i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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