Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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