I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
