In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
