I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
