you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
