Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
