i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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