i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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