the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
