Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
