they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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