why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
