looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
