The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
