just tell him i said nine months
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?