i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night