you traded sex for a burrito?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.