Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.