I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
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um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
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She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win