i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
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ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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