He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
whose parrot is this?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
