Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
