just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
