for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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