I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
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I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
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Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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