Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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