My cat gives me a boner
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize