I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
