we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
