You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
