If i could tip my vagina, i would.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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