Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
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my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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