I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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