well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
