this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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