This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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