Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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