She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
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When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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