I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How's work?
Spinning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
