i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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