dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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