Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Randomize